One of my deepest fears is living an unsatisfactory life. Yes, that sounds really vague but it sums it up nicely. It would really break my heart if I spent my years being less than happy most of the time. As is often said, I want to live and not just exist (and believe me I know the difference between the two). I want to feel every moment. Experiencing all the shades of life- crimson is not red and magenta is not pink - is my main desire. I want to spend my days doing things that matter, things that colour the rich tapestry that is my life.
In pursuit of this perennial state of gratification (or in avoidance of perennial boredom) I keep setting new goals for myself then bask in the glow that comes with finally getting something you’ve worked hard for. I suppose that’s what drug addicts feel like with each hit (?)
I saw something once on the internet that read “Three grand essentials for happiness in life are:
Something to do
Something to love
Something to look forward to”
and I couldn’t agree more.
…but then I also fear that I’ll waste my life chasing that high and so I try to remain grounded and convince myself to do what is normal, what is expected. I fear that my need to seek fulfillment betrays flaws I don’t want to admit that I have. I don’t want to say that I’m spoiled, or lazy, or selfish, or avoiding real responsibility. Sigh. Life…